Ranking Kirby and Forgotten Earth enemies by how much I don’t want to kill them

Kirbylead

In the magazine business, the back page is where you’ll find all the weird gaffes we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “filling”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”.

We don’t have (paper) pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page. Today, Kate takes a stand against the morality of murdering cute little guys in Kirby…


I’ve been playing Kirby and the Forgotten Land a lot lately, and while it’s not really that hard in terms of mechanical difficulty, it’s extremely morally difficult.

You see, Kirby is a little pink ball of indeterminate species, and his friends – the Waddle Dees – are also little squashy-shaped things, which look like a different corn similar species. It’s very hard to say what exactly counts as “friendly squashy thing” and “evil enemy squashy thing” beyond just asking, “are they currently trying to kill you?” Even then, I don’t know if I should kill them right away.

Are these other creatures actually “evil”? They all co-existed peacefully before Kirby arrived and consumed them, after all. Am I, as Kirby, imposing some kind of ghastly order on a joyously chaotic world, with the goal of turning this post-apocalyptic paradise into Waddle Dee Town? Am I some kind of war criminal?

In the interest of easing my conscience, I’ve put together a ranked list of all of Kirby’s enemies, with F-Tier being “no, these guys deserve to die” and S-Tier being “people who choose to killing these cuties are real monsters”. I invite you all to send a printed copy of this article to the HAL laboratory to beg their mercy.

F TIER: These guys deserve to die

rodent

rodent

I feel like I start out pretty nasty, because the Gnawcodile really doesn’t want to start a fight if he can help it. These big guys patrol around the islands and aren’t inhalable or beatable – you can only avoid them, but if you swim too close they’ll bite you. Technically, if you smash them with a boat, they won’t be a problem for you, but I feel like Kirby – a literal god – should be able to take on a crocodile.

shotzo

shotzo

They’re just leg guns. I don’t know how they came to be – maybe their mother was a bit bigger weapon – but they are one of nature’s mistakes. The only redeeming thing about them are their cute little legs, but that’s no excuse. Mosquitoes also have small legs and they suck in every possible way.

Mookie
Image: IGN

Mookie

Honestly, any enemy based on the creepy grinning monkey with a toy cymbal/torture device can end up in the trash.

E TIER: I don’t feel bad about it

Balloon Master

Balloon-Meister

I think it might be a personal vendetta, but I hate Balloon-Meister, the bomb-throwing sea lion, more than I imagine most people do.

That’s because I love seals: they’re round and squishy and extremely stupid, and they spend all day lying on beaches screaming. They are fantastic! Sea lions, on the other hand, are quirky and shiny and not as squishy. And the thing is, I go to aquariums ready to hang out with the squashy buns and there’s always a bloody sea lion there, with its massive fins and skinny body, balancing a ball on its nose like that, it’s ok. No! It’s not!

You are not seals, and I blame you for that.

mummies
Image: IGN

Mom

Mummies are scary! They follow you through the level with their scary red eyes and I hate them. I’m sorry, but those guys should go back to their sarcophagi and leave Kirby alone. Their only interesting feature is that they are round, which is a good shape.

Kabou

Kabou

It’s hard to feel too bad about assassinating enemies that look like inanimate objects, or at the very least, non-sentient ones. Kabu is everywhere in the Forgotten Land, and while I feel a little bad for him being used as a fairly easy-to-kill filler enemy, I don’t feel bad for being the one who killed him. It’s a sandcastle.

Poison Croakom

Poison Croakom

I haven’t fought this guy yet, but he doesn’t look nice. He seems angry at the length of a queue, or like he’s the kind of person who berates people for eating bananas in public. Moreover, he is covered in poison. He’s the kind of character who would call the police for tricks or treats. I hate it.

not scary
Image: IGN

not scary

I haven’t fought this guy either, but there aren’t many ghost-type chasing enemies I’m on board with. Look, you’re already dead! Leave me alone, or you’ll be double-dead!

Sssnacker
Image: IGN

Sssnacker

You might be thinking, “How bad can a snake be? It’s just a snake, and snakes are nice.” I agree with you! Snakes are cool! Corn I think Sssnacker is level E for one reason in particular: DIGESTING THINGS IS *MY* THING. Back off, little snake.

Tornado
Image: IGN

Tornado

It’s just a little windy, isn’t it? I don’t feel bad killing the wind.

LEVEL D: Meh, no big loss

Dekabu

Great Kabou

Kabu is level E because Kabu is a sandcastle with a face. Big Kabu is D Tier because she is the Kabu’s mother (coming out of her mouth). Killing mothers is ethically slightly worse than killing… their children… isn’t it? Oh my God.

Digguh

Digguh

I like moles. This guy is a bit of a creepy mole, though – and also, he keeps trying to kill me with his drill. Also, and I’m sorry to say, her design isn’t that cute.

Phantà
Image: IGN

Phantà

Another bloody ghost that won’t leave you alone. This one is at least cuter than the others, so it’s boosted to Tier D.

Tortoring

Tortoring

It’s just a turtle that got stuck in a piece of concrete. I feel a bit uncomfortable killing him, mainly because you have to do it by sticking a spike into his shell and then into his soft body, but he started by trying to bite me.

Tortenga
Image: IGN

Totenga

What if a cactus hated you? This is the question posed by Totenga. I haven’t fought it yet, but I don’t particularly care if it lives or dies, because when I was a kid, a cactus fell in my bed while I was sleeping, and I had to pull some spikes in my skin for days. Don’t ask questions about why there was a cactus by my bed! CAN’T A CHILD SLEEP NEXT TO A CACTUS WITHOUT BEING AFRAID?


Continue to page two to see level C through level S, which will take you from “vaguely humanoid, uncomfortable to kill” to “WHAT MONSTER COULD KILL THIS CREATURE?!”…

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