A few decades ago an older, wiser critic said – we’re paraphrasing slightly here – that the problem wasn’t that we were plagued by bad movies, but that we were now plagued by same bad movie again and again. This goes doubly for the works of director Michael Bay, whose work can be divided into two basic categories: blockbusters in which giant robots blow up shit, and blockbusters in which normal human beings blow up shit. . However, they’re more or less the same movie whether they’re set in deep space, former prisons turned tourist traps, clone islands, or Miami. The storytelling tends to be less sophisticated than the cave paintings, the volume increases to 111, the emphasis is on sound and fury that mean nothing, and the overall effect is designed to leave viewers dazed and confused, not necessarily in that order. Shout “vulgar auteurism” all you want – Bay specializes in making brash, cacophonous, high-calorie, low-nutrition fast food movies. You see this as an advantage or a precursor to the apocalypse.
Therefore, people who are lucky enough to see moving pictures and write about them professionally tend to write not just reviews of bad movies, but the same review of a bad movie over and over again. These movies are rubbish to the lowest common denominator, just because you can stage billions of explosions and endlessly wrecking sports cars doesn’t mean you should, all that endless bayhem is too bad staged to be exhilarating or even a guilty pleasure, yadda yadda yadda. It is frankly tiring for us and for you. Rather than just reiterating the same old arguments and adjectives for Bay’s latest collection booms, crashes, pows, screams and Kabelams, let’s try something a little different.
Ambulance revolves around two brothers, Will (watchmen‘s Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) and Danny (Jake Gyllenhaal), who find themselves in the middle of a very gone bank robbery. very bad. (Wait, those are brothers, you ask? Yes, Danny’s father took in Will as a child. Several people also express bewilderment at that fact during the film. They’re quickly greeted by eyes.) They end by commandeering an ambulance – see title – as an emergency getaway car. An EMT (Eiza González) and a badly injured cop (Jackson White) are there. An LAPD special ops unit, an FBI agent, a mob of helicopters, and approximately 72,000 black-and-white police cruisers pursue the crooks and their hostages throughout Los Angeles. Is this just an excuse to show off the firepower and fireballs, albeit at a lower than usual budget (only 40 million dollars, which is roughly the cost of developing a only Transformer)? Yes. Yes it is.
So, as a public service to our readers – because we love you, we really, really like you! — we imagined a drinking game to play while watching this magnum opus. While we do not condone the excessive consumption of alcohol, or the smuggling of liquor and other similar beverages into a theater, or any manifestation of public intoxication, we also believe that you should not endure Ambulance while being sober. If you are recovering, moreover, we offer you our sincere congratulations. We also advise you to see sonic the hedgehog 2 Instead.
Take a sip of your favorite stout or IPA:
~There is a photo of something – a hand, a head, a building, a gun and/or guns – filmed with the sun behind it, thus backlighting the object in question with more power than necessary. Take two sips if the item is an American flag, blowing majestically in the breeze.
~Someone mentions Will’s military service. A former Marine who toured Afghanistan (thanks for your service, sir), we meet him when he’s on the phone with a veterans center, trying to get information regarding payments for treatment for his wife’s cancer. He quickly finds himself getting the top hat and a lot of bureaucratic gibberish. It’s this tough spot, in fact, that compels Will to visit his evil brother and ask for a loan. Take two sips if you agree that the government’s treatment of its veterans is beyond shoddy, shame and rage. Take three sips if you think a movie exploiting this notion to be able to crash cars on the 405 isn’t so great either.
~ If you are convinced that Danny’s crime squad is from Central Casting. (Wanted: Burly, bearded men who look like ex-Navy SEALs. Must inspire random mentions of Brave heart.) Ditto the elite team of LA Law Enforcement guarding the bank they are about to rob, as they have been following Danny for a while and feel that this time they finally have him. where they want him!
~ About the idea that a perfectly planned heist can be foiled by a single socially awkward cop who’s super excited for a bank teller. In fact, it’s our favorite plot point in the whole movie. Health to you, Ambulance.
~ Whenever the big shootout that happens between cops and crooks on the streets of LA reminds you of the big drama of Heat. Take two sips for every hit that makes you realize you might be watching Heat at home right now, doing the exact same sequence but much better and with more A-to-B consistency. Do three steps if you just watch den of thieves rather at this point.
~ When you know – you just know – that González’s EMT will be described as “the best paramedic in the business”, but no one wants to be her partner with her because she is a loose cannon. (Spoiler: She’s the best paramedic in the business, but no one wants to be her partner because she’s a loose cannon.)
~ If the presence of a large dog belonging to the commander of this special ops unit is somehow factored into the story. Two sips for each reaction shot involving the dog humorously seeming puzzled by something.
~Whenever a drone shot occurs. Oh my God, there are so many drone shots in this movie — sliding down the sides of buildings, whistling over actors’ heads, flying headfirst into oncoming traffic, or as a group of people run towards the camera. Did Michael Bay get a drone for Christmas? It looks like every other action sequence, and a good number of inaction sequences, cut at an angle filmed from a camera mounted on a high-speed drone. And while we understand that when you’re only working with $40 million you have to operate in different and more imaginative ways, the barrage of swooping, plunging shots here is less likely to thrill you and more likely to cause you to vomit. mass. (rolling stone cannot be held responsible for damages incurred by adhering to the rule.)
Down a shot of bourbon:
~Whenever someone in Ambulance refers to other Michael Bay films. At one point someone quotes a line from The rock and then, if you don’t recognize where it’s coming from, shout: “The rock!” When two cops get out of a police car, someone makes a Bad Boys rift. There may be others we missed. The ego has landed.
~When you think of yourself, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II is one of the most compelling actors working today, and you hope he comes out of this disaster unscathed. Take two snaps whenever you see hints of “Crazy Jake” start bleeding into Jake Gyllenhaal’s performance. You know Crazy Jake, don’t you? He’s the star’s unpredictable, unhinged, bug-eyed alter ego who appears in movies like Okja, Velvet Buzzsaw, a few pieces of Spider-Man: Far From Home and every second of the classic “Mr. Sketch ‘Music’. Take three shots if you like, he simply turned his sociopathic half of this tense Cain-and-Able parable into a complete Crazy Jake marathon.
~ Whenever you realize that Garret Dillahunt is a creepy national treasure, and every movie that requires a slightly jaded, mostly badass, overconfident, and highly sarcastic captain of an anti-theft commando unit should entrust him with this role, period. Two shots when he makes a joke about Doogie Howser and someone says “Okay, Boomer”. Three knocks for the way he calls someone a “Silverlake liberal.”
~ Every time Bay and her cinematographer Roberto De Angelis move their camera in and out of a bullet hole in the ambulance’s rear window. Be very be careful with this one.
~ If a car chase involving someone driving the wrong way on the Los Angeles Freeway reminds you of the big drama of To live and die in Los Angeles Take two photos for every moment you realize you might be watching To live and die in Los Angeles home right now instead.
~ Whenever Will has a tearful, very sentimental moment involving his family – especially his infant son, nicknamed “Big Man Tate”. Take two shots if you mistakenly think Big Man Tate is the name of a Jodie Foster movie.
Slug a bite of this sweet, sweet Everclear:
~ If you think the Los Angeles River won’t play a key role in this movie at some point. (Spoiler: it does.)
~ When an R&B, soul, or vintage Top 40 song appears on the soundtrack. Two shots if one of these songs inspires an unexpected and inexplicable song. Three shots if it’s “Sailing” by Christopher Cross.
~ If you didn’t know this movie is a remake of a 2005 Danish movie. (We’re drinking, as we also didn’t know.) Two shots if you realize that after digging online a bit , you could be at home watching the original at home right now.
~ If you somehow think a muscle car with a dummy and a gatling gun inside won’t come into play at some point. (Spoiler: it will be fine)
~ Once you realize this movie is 136 minutes long.
~ When you begin to question the life choices you have made that have thus led you to where you are sitting right now.
~ If you were literally killing to see a giant robot appear and turn into a bulldozer or a plane of something, just smash 90% of the people responsible for that hubbub.